Monday again

Firstly – I am not sure what I did right this week but the scales this morning showed a 2.4kg loss – got to be happy with that !!!! I have tried really hard with my sugar points and cutting out the extras that had slowly crept into what I was eating. Plus, while my exercise hasn’t been fantastic, it certainly has been better than the last couple of weeks so all in all I am a very happy camper.

It is sooooooooooo good to have Al back – having said that he got an e-mail yesterday advising that they have extended the contract again so there is the possibility that he will be off again. What can you do ? I said that whatever he did would be fine – we will manage if he goes and it will be lovely if he stays but we will have to make a decision in the next couple of days.

We had a great weekend – out and about doing lots of things that needed to be done. We had friends over for dinner on Friday and Saturday nights so there was lots of catching up done. Last night we went to Opera in the Park – we thought that it was the Popera in the Park and so left after we had eaten our dinner as it really wasn’t out taste in music.

I hope you all had a great weekend and that the week ahead is good to you.

TFTD : Failure is the opportunity to try again more intelligently

TIAGF : Al being home

What to do ??????

I am sitting here at work just dying to go out and feed my face. While I realise that this will not accomplish anything more than making me feel guilty and adding to the kilos that I already want to lose – I want to do it anyway ! I have had a few situations at work (yesterday and today) which are pushing my stress levels to the absolute limit and I want to deal with that by eating. Unfortunately the voices in my head are telling me that that isn’t the way to deal with the stress. I also have a T-shirt (which I love) which says “You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me” which proves that there really are voices out there that talk to us – especially when I am shopping !!!!! (You girls know who you are and I want to say a big thank you for coming out with me !!!)

But, back to my problem. I can either sit here and stew or get out there and hopefully avoid the food which is sure to be screaming my name from every food shop in Australia Fair. Maybe I can go and do some clothes shopping instead.

I went to pilates last night – I can definitely feel the difference between the two classes – I am glad that I decided to work around the inconvenient time and change to the advanced class – it is much more beneficial for me.

Well – ONLY 1 SLEEP TO GO – I am not sure who is more excited – Al or myself. I did mention that if he missed the plane not to bother getting the next one he could just stay there and work and I would stay here and collect his pay but he assured me that he won’t miss the flight. I have a feeling he will be at the airport well before he is meant to be ‘just to make sure”.

I am off to see if I can find any clothes to buy – but promise to stay away from the food while I am out.

Take care everyone and have a great Wednesday.

TFTD : Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

TIAGF : The voices in my head

Update : I went out at lunch time and managed to stay away from food of any description but I did buy myself a beautiful long sleeve top. It is another item which is way out of my comfort zone in terms of colour and pattern (normally plain solid colours and occasionally stripes with one floral sleeveless top which I wore to the Sydney lunch) - so it is all still good. Thank you all for your support - it is much needed right now.

YAY for a good day

I am happy to say that I had a great day yesterday. I even had chicken and veggies for dinner (unheard of on a Monday night after weigh-in !!!!)

K and I walked to WW last night - I was up on their scales (which I take no notice of anyway) but that is over the past 3 weeks and their scales are now roughly the same as mine at home. I jumped on the scales this morning and I am down from yesterday - am sure it isn't just because I had a good day but it was a good feeling seeing a lower number there.

I was glad that I made the effort to go walking last night - 40 mins which isn't much but certainly doable more regularly than what I have been doing. And, the bonus was I felt so good within myself for having made the effort. Tonight I am off to pilates because I won't be able to make the class on Thursday night and it will be good to see the people I used to do it with each week as I haven't seen them for a couple of weeks now.

Foodwise I have been great - I even made it out of the bakery without a biscuit in my hand !!!! Just the Coke Sero - I think the lady may have to consider shutting shop if I don't support her any more ! I am off to get some chicken for dinner tonight - a safer / healthier option than the take-away I was planning, given that we will probably have something on Thursday on our way to Brisbane.

I am happy to read that those of us who seem to be struggling a little at the moment seem to be keeping it together and moving forward - keep it up guys - you are all providing me with so much inspiration !!!

TFTD : No good thing is pleasant to possess without friends to share it.

TIAGF : Only 2 sleeps to go !!!

That is what I needed

to get back on track. A gain of 1.4kg this week has given me the oomph to get back on track properly. 2 kgs over 2 weeks is just not good enough and now I am back and raring to go. Well maybe not quite raring to go but certainly more motivated to stay on track than I have been the past few weeks. The good thing is that I am still 1kg under goal so hopefully I will be able to pull it back before I land up going up to my goal weight and the slow creep starts to happen.

Have a great week everyone and take care !

TFTD : I've never known anyone to achieve anything without overcoming adversity

TIGF : Only 3 sleeps to go !!!

Self destruct mode

The title of this post really says it all for me right now. I am in a totally self destruct frame of mind - eating whatever I want, not exercising, no water. I was talking to a friend and said that I feel I am in a bit of a catch 22 situation - I feel like cr*p because that is what I am eating. And because I feel like that I don’t want to exercise. I know I just need to get out and do it but it is all too hard right now. I am hoping that with Al back during the week I will start to feel better about everything else and my food and exercise will come back into line.

While I realise that this won’t happen unless I make it happen, I think that with Al back it will be easier for me to get some sort of plan happening. Now that I will be able to share the chores again, I will have a little more time to organise my food and have the time to exercise. I can only cringe at how much weight I could have lost if I had got my act together over the past few weeks - but, there is no point in crying over what could have been.

I have decided that the size on my clothes isn’t what I am going to use to measure my success. I bought a pair of size 10 shorts (well long shorts to above my knees) today because the pants I bought last week were both ¾ length pants and it is far to hot on the coast to be walking around in ¾ jeans. I was talking to Al tonight and told him that I bought the shorts ($12 from Target) and he was asking how much more weight I had lost. I said, “That is the funny thing - I haven’t lost any more weight since you left” He said that he thought I was thin but, if you walked past me in the street you wouldn’t say - there goes a thin lady. This is what has made me realise that there is no point in judging how I look by the clothes labels - I need to be happy with my body shape and right now I am not happy with my body shape. I think that the advanced pilates is helping to firm up my abs but I need to get back into walking and / or cycling. I will also be starting Step Into Life toning class once a week. M has the City to Surf which she is training for - I think I need to find out about some cycle races on the coast that Al and I can train for and take part in. As M said, it is easier to train with a goal in mind rather than just exercising for the sake of exercising - maybe that is part of my problem. I find it hard to stay motivated to keep exercising when there isn’t really a goal to aim for - while it does make me feel good about myself and it is healthier to exercise rather than sit on my butt doing nothing, I am sure I will be more motivated to get out if I have an end goal in mind. I will have to hop onto the internet to see what cycle races are around and then see if I can convince Al that it would be good to take part !!!!

But, even more than the exercise I need to get my eating under control. I have started eating in secret again - why, I don’t know. I have to stop. I have to take back control over food and stop it controlling me and my actions. I seem to spend far too much time thinking about what I am going to eat and how I am going to eat it without anyone knowing. The stupid thing is that it doesn’t matter if anyone else knows what I ate - I know and my body knows that I am feeding it junk (because who ever heard of anyone eating carrot sticks or point free soup in secret ???) I want to be back in the space where food doesn’t control my every waking moment, when I don’t spend more time during my day obsessing about what I am going to eat rather than doing what is good for me, when I plan my meals and am organised so that I had no excuse for not eating correctly. I know that I am the only one who can put me in that position again and I am going to work hard on that this week - even before Al gets home.

I know that planning is what makes this way of life work for me - the days I don’t plan are the days when it all goes pear shaped. So, tomorrow I will plan my meals for next week - I will go to the shops and buy the food that I need to do this and I will be more organised so that I can take back the control and put myself in the space where I want to be.

Here’s to a better week than I have had these past couple of weeks - take care everyone and have a great Sunday !

Oh no ...... Monday

Firstly – an update on my weigh-in. I put on 0.6 this week which I am happy with. I think this is what maintenance is all about – keeping the balance and I have to say that I am happy with the job that I am doing.

Now, onto the weekend – what a great time I had (actually, I think we all had a great time !!!) M and DS1 picked me up from the airport. K was on the phone straight away to find out what they were like and what car they drove – when she found out she was satisfied that I was in good hands (and not a mass murderer and was happy for me to stay away the weekend). Lots of chatting happened on Friday night and then Saturday it was off into the city to meet Michelle, a wander around The Rocks and a few purchases made at the craft market there, a walk around Circular Quay, a run up the Opera House steps (without very much huffing and puffing either !!) and a lovely look out over the harbour. By that stage it was getting a little late and we had a rather brisk walk (sorry you aren’t a little taller Michelle) with 3 of Michelle’s stepping matching 2 of ours – to get to Cockle Bay Wharf and all the others waiting for us (we were only a few minutes late and I think are forgiven for that, aren’t we ?) We had an absolutely delicious meal and we each had our own dessert (except for a couple of people who shall remain nameless !!!) – I thoroughly enjoyed my scoop of coconut ice-cream balancing on a scoop of chocolate cookie ice-cream.

After lunch and a group photo, we went to watch the Dragon Boat Racing but after one race decided that the sun was just too hot and looked for some shade – we did find some shade, under the canopies of the paddle boats !!!! Great fun was had by Mary and M racing (or should that read ramming ?????) CKK and myself. After we were off the paddle boats there was lots more talking with Mary’s delightful other half arriving and being introduced to us all – I think he may have been a little over whelmed by all the talking taking place !!! People then started to go their own ways and M, Michelle and I took a wander through the lovely Queen Victoria Building – if only we could have won the Lotto before we started !!!!!

Unfortunately the day drew to a close far too quickly and Michelle had to be on her way back to the airport. M and I then went home where we flopped onto the couches – exhausted ! What a fun filled day we had.

What I did notice was that there are so many more hills in Sydney than what we have on the Gold Coast – certainly makes walking a lot harder than what I am used to. The craft markets that we saw had some really unusual products and are very different to the markets on the Coast as well. All in all a great experience.

Sunday was another great day with lots of walking and great sight seeing (and lovely food at Bondi Beach as well) before it was time to hit the road for home. M, the petrol and the poor presentation stories will forever give me a laugh !!! (Thank you Mr M) It was sad saying goodbye to the lovely M and her wonderful family – I had such a good time there and was really made to feel so welcome.

Like M, I also felt it was a risk – going to stay with someone I hadn’t actually met but felt that if the worst came to the worst and I didn’t feel safe, I could always have moved out to other friends (and if I am honest the thought "What have I done ?" did pop into my head fleetingly when I was on the plane from the Gold Coast !!!). I think that Al probably felt it to be more of a risk because doing this was so far out of my comfort zone. But, it was great to do and it has made me realise that there are things which I can do if I set my mind to them. (I don’t know if over coming my fear of heights is one of them !) If anyone had said to me that I would go for a weekend to stay with someone I didn’t know and go to lunch with a whole lot of people I had never met I would have laughed at them. Having said that it was a fantastic weekend and I would recommend if any other bloggers can arrange to meet up – do it – it is great. I can’t guarantee that you will always get on with whoever you meet up with but at least you won’t wonder – would we have got along if we had ever met – you would know and you could make arrangements to meet other people with whom you may click. The ladies I met on Saturday are such lovely people and I certainly feel that it was worth the trip to Sydney to meet them – thank you all for such a great time and I am looking forward to being able to catch up again.

Unfortunately I didn't have a very good night last night - K was not well and I was up and down with her a few times during the night. She went off to school today but had to be collected during the morning with sore throat, blocked nose and high temp (the same as what she had last night). I tried to get her to stay at home but she said she would be OK to go to school. I phoned Coles and have managed to get the night off as I wasn't happy about going to work and leaving her by herself when she was sick - would hate for her temp to really be a problem and I am off packing shelves !!! Hopefully it will be something that she will be over soon as she has her swimming carnival on Friday.

Take care everyone and have a great week !

TFTD : May the friends of our youth be the companions of our old age

TIAGF : Taking the opportunity to make new friends – in person !!!!

Can't get my head around this

Yesterday, as I posted, I went and bought two pairs of size 10 pants. I had a look and couldn’t find any labels saying generous cut or words to that effect so presume that they are the normal size. They aren’t stretch denim so that isn’t it either. I am having difficulty coming to terms with the fact that I am wearing size 10 clothes. When I look at myself there is no ways that I look like a size 10 – size 10 people are small, they are generally tiny people with petit waists – they are nothing like me or is it that I am nothing like them ???

When I got home from work last night I chatted to Alan, replied to some mails and then checked my pants label again. Then I scratched around in the rubbish bin to find the tags to see what they said. I really don’t want to annoy anyone with going on about this – I guess what I am trying to say is that no matter what you look like, you will always have a mental picture of yourself that is probably very different to the reality of how you look. Good or bad I think this is how we are. I need to work on accepting the fact that I am at my lowest weight in I don’t know how many years and that my clothes sizes have dropped accordingly. Actually, when I think about it some more, maybe it is the clothing sizes which are slightly different. When we got married I weighed 49kgs (too thin, yes I know that now but I didn’t intentionally lose weight before I got married – it just happened !) – I would stay between 52-55 kgs and I am sure that I wore size 10s then – maybe that is what is wrong – I think that in order for me to be a size 10 I should be weighing 55kgs and can’t get the fact that at 9kgs heavier I am still a size 10.

This brought me onto thinking about something else (which M and I were chatting about the other night) – I always feel like I need to apologise for having ‘only’ lost 22kgs. The first time I joined WW in Australia I had to lose 10kgs – which I did and got to goal - only to shoot up to an all time high (apart from when I was pregnant) of 86kgs with 19kgs to lose. I have to stop apologizing for what I have lost and acknowledge the fact that I have done it and while there might be people out there who have lost either more or less than me, that doesn’t take away from what I have accomplished. Like my journal, this is my journey and the ups and downs along the way. And, just because someone has it easier or tougher than me, doesn’t make my battles any easier or tougher to overcome – it just means that they are my battles to deal with.

TFTD : You've got to get up every morning with determination if you are going to go to bed with satisfaction.

TIAGF : The motivation I have found to continue with this journey

Shopping success !!!

Last night I thought I wouldn't worry about trying to find new pants in a smaller size because I doubt I will stay at this weight for long. This morning I was thinking about it and thought that there isn't any reason why I shouldn't maintain at this weight and, if I had clothes that fitted, it would be so much nicer than wearing my bigger pants. Sorry Kate - just can't do the belt thing !!

Anyway, popped across to Australia Fair at lunch and found two pairs of pants - one pair at Katies and one pair at K-Mart - both on sale for a total cost of $30 !!!! I definitely can't complain about that can I. So I now have two nice new pairs of pants for the weekend (and for afterwards as well) and I can get my packing just about finished tonight.

Have a great day and take care !

TFTD : Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond our grasp, but which, if you sit down quietly, may alight upon you.

TIAGF : Being able to work on being more positive about what is happening around me

Update : K is mortified that we are both wearing the same size pants now. How can that be when she in 13 and I am 40 ???? She thinks that I should put on some weight so that I am a bigger size than her - yeah right - like I am going to put on weight for that reason !!!! There may be a lot of reasons why the scales go up but I can promise you, it won't be for that one !!!

Oh no ....

I went to pack my suitcase tonight and found that the size 12 jeans which used to fit me so nicely, are now too big for me !!!! What to do - I can't afford to buy any more - so I put them in a hot wash and hopefully will be able to shrink them !!!

Haven't had very good days lately - busy at work, issues at home, food and water up the creek, no exercise BUT, I am staying positive that I can keep on with maintaining my weight and not put it all back on again.

Maybe it is knowing that I am off for a wonderful weekend in 3 sleeps time. Maybe it is because I have realised that there are things in life which will get in the way of my weight loss journey but life goes on and I need to just deal with it. Maybe it is because it is just over two weeks until Al gets home and I can share everything with my best friend again. Maybe it is just because I have made a concerted effort to lighten up and not be obsessed (for now anyway) over what the scales say - the good loss this week also helps. Whatever the reason, I am feeling a lot better this week. Thank you to everyone for your support and the motivation that you give me.

To those of you who I am going to see on Saturday - I can't wait. And, to everyone else - take care and have a great week !

Quick Update

Had a lovely surprise when I weighed in this morning - a loss of 0.8kg's. Definitely can't complain about that.

We had a great weekend - still busy busy busy at home and at work hence the lack of updates over the weekend but I just had to share the good news from this morning.

Have a great week everyone and take care !

Fat and horrible

Today I woke up feeling yucky – fat and horrible. But, that is to be expected when you eat cr*p. Yesterday apart from my muesli and yoghurt for breakfast and some chicken lasagna for dinner, I ate biscuits and cake – all day !!! I was in a meeting most of the morning and every time the plate came past, I had one. As I said to Mary, previously I would have had one in each hand so there was a small (very small) win there for me !!!!

Today wasn’t one of the days when I woke up feeling good about myself. I do know that I am the only one who can change that and I have chosen to make that change today – I need to make the change to keep myself loving who I am and how I look. While this isn’t always the case, there is nobody who can change that but me. It is a little difficult given that I feel really fat and horrible today but I guess I really just need to accept that is how I am today but if I make the right choices today, I don’t have to feel like this tomorrow – I can wake up feeling thin and looking good. I did wear my black longs to work today and they are still comfortable (and not the slightly too tight fit that they were after Christmas) so am really not sure about why I feel so awful. Guess this just goes to prove that so much of how we perceive ourselves, is really just in our heads.

But, I am back on track today with my breakfast and lunch and I have left over chicken and veggies I cooked last night for dinner tonight. I am going to the advanced pilates class so will have to see how I can fit in getting home, showered and eating dinner between 8pm and 8.45pm when I have to leave for work. If I plan my meals during the week properly, there is no reason why it shouldn’t work although it will be a lot easier when Al is back.

I went to the podiatrist today so my feet are all nice and smooth again – it has been a long time between visits and I really need to make more of an effort to go more regularly – my feet feel so much better when I have made the effort.

Tomorrow I have a lunch date and a dinner date – quite the social butterfly this week – and next week as well if I am allowed to count that far in advance because, in case anyone doesn’t know – I’M GOING TO SYDNEY. I just know that I am going to have such a great time there !!!! Due to time constraints next week, I want to start packing this weekend because it is going to be a case of decisions, decisions – what clothes to take with me. Normally I don’t’ have a choice – I take what fits me. Now I have a much wider range to choose from – how am I going to do it ? And, how many times am I going to put things in and take them out before I finally close the lid – I don’t’ know but I am sure it will be quite a few.

My lunch hour is over and I had better get back to work – take care everyone and look after yourselves !

TFTD : Once you make a decision – the universe conspires to make it happen.

TIAGF : Being able to make choices

Internet problems

Just a short note to say I didn't have a much better day foodwise today - but it wasn't all bad. Things are starting to settle down at work and home so that is good.

I am having problems leaving comments and sending mail via gmail. I haven't forgotten about you, I am just battling to get in touch.

Have a great day and take care !

Oh cr*p - confession time again !

This was the night I was going to be in bed early - ha ha ha !!! If you are looking for inspiration or motivation, you are probably better off going somewhere else because this is a rant entry.

The past two days I have managed to stuff the following down my throat :
muesli and youghurt
orange juice
oxo (veggiemite sandwich)
dried apricots
dates
2 nut bars
pasta and sauce (enough for one person) + a piece of the yummy chicken left over from the night before
diet Pepsi’s
coke Zero’s
2 slices of toast
2 choc chip pecan nut biscuits
toasted cheese and ham sandwich
1 container sweet chilly philly
½ container extra light sour cream (lucky I never had the heavy stuff in the house !)
1 box cracked pepper water biscuits
1 regular twix (both pieces - well at least it wasn’t the king size !!!)
1 regular twirl (again both pieces and again at least it wasn’t the king size !!)
cheese and cracker snack pack

I think there may have been something else as well but I can’t remember. Strangely enough - I feel big and fat and awful - who would have thought ???? The reason for eating the above ? Stressful situations - at home and at work and guess what - stuffing my face is really going to help work the problems out !!!!

Jeez - when will I learn that eating does not make the problems go away - it just makes me feel like cr*p when having to deal with the problems.

A call from M today helped return some sort of sanity to my brain (thank you M - you don’t know how good your timing was with the call) - and, while we didn’t actually resolve any problems, I got to look at them from a different perspective. Al also called (hate to think of the cost of that call - mobile in Taiwan to mobile in Australia) and it was great to be able to talk to him during the day plus some e-mails back and forth made me feel better.

My plans for tonight all came to naught when I got home and landed up watching the cricket !! It was good to see SA in such a strong position for most of the game. I did nothing except sit on the couch, watching TV and feeling sorry for myself, oh yes - and eating. But now, I have put it all down on paper and I am feeling a bit more positive about getting back on track tomorrow - I know that the reality of the situation may not be that easy, but at least the intention is there.

I hope that you are all having a much better week than me - I keep thinking that it really can’t get much worse, but you know what, it can and it has seemed to be getting worse over the past couple of weeks. The good thing is that it has to turn around sometime - just hope that happens sooner rather than later. Having said that - I am really looking forward to my weekend in Sydney - I think it is going to be just the thing that I need. While I wanted to go down there having lost a couple more kilos - given my situation at the moment, it is probably an unrealistic expectation, so for now I will be happy if I can just maintain at where I am.

Take care everyone and look after yourselves !