Saturday, February 18, 2006

Self destruct mode

The title of this post really says it all for me right now. I am in a totally self destruct frame of mind - eating whatever I want, not exercising, no water. I was talking to a friend and said that I feel I am in a bit of a catch 22 situation - I feel like cr*p because that is what I am eating. And because I feel like that I don’t want to exercise. I know I just need to get out and do it but it is all too hard right now. I am hoping that with Al back during the week I will start to feel better about everything else and my food and exercise will come back into line.

While I realise that this won’t happen unless I make it happen, I think that with Al back it will be easier for me to get some sort of plan happening. Now that I will be able to share the chores again, I will have a little more time to organise my food and have the time to exercise. I can only cringe at how much weight I could have lost if I had got my act together over the past few weeks - but, there is no point in crying over what could have been.

I have decided that the size on my clothes isn’t what I am going to use to measure my success. I bought a pair of size 10 shorts (well long shorts to above my knees) today because the pants I bought last week were both ¾ length pants and it is far to hot on the coast to be walking around in ¾ jeans. I was talking to Al tonight and told him that I bought the shorts ($12 from Target) and he was asking how much more weight I had lost. I said, “That is the funny thing - I haven’t lost any more weight since you left” He said that he thought I was thin but, if you walked past me in the street you wouldn’t say - there goes a thin lady. This is what has made me realise that there is no point in judging how I look by the clothes labels - I need to be happy with my body shape and right now I am not happy with my body shape. I think that the advanced pilates is helping to firm up my abs but I need to get back into walking and / or cycling. I will also be starting Step Into Life toning class once a week. M has the City to Surf which she is training for - I think I need to find out about some cycle races on the coast that Al and I can train for and take part in. As M said, it is easier to train with a goal in mind rather than just exercising for the sake of exercising - maybe that is part of my problem. I find it hard to stay motivated to keep exercising when there isn’t really a goal to aim for - while it does make me feel good about myself and it is healthier to exercise rather than sit on my butt doing nothing, I am sure I will be more motivated to get out if I have an end goal in mind. I will have to hop onto the internet to see what cycle races are around and then see if I can convince Al that it would be good to take part !!!!

But, even more than the exercise I need to get my eating under control. I have started eating in secret again - why, I don’t know. I have to stop. I have to take back control over food and stop it controlling me and my actions. I seem to spend far too much time thinking about what I am going to eat and how I am going to eat it without anyone knowing. The stupid thing is that it doesn’t matter if anyone else knows what I ate - I know and my body knows that I am feeding it junk (because who ever heard of anyone eating carrot sticks or point free soup in secret ???) I want to be back in the space where food doesn’t control my every waking moment, when I don’t spend more time during my day obsessing about what I am going to eat rather than doing what is good for me, when I plan my meals and am organised so that I had no excuse for not eating correctly. I know that I am the only one who can put me in that position again and I am going to work hard on that this week - even before Al gets home.

I know that planning is what makes this way of life work for me - the days I don’t plan are the days when it all goes pear shaped. So, tomorrow I will plan my meals for next week - I will go to the shops and buy the food that I need to do this and I will be more organised so that I can take back the control and put myself in the space where I want to be.

Here’s to a better week than I have had these past couple of weeks - take care everyone and have a great Sunday !


Blogger Mary said...

Oh babe, you are feeling the way I do!! I agree with M, get a goal in mind and work towards it but then I know how hard it is when you are already at goal. Don't let this defeat you. I know that you have been stressed lately too and stress makes you lose perspective!

Planning will certainly help. I've planned my week now and bought all my fruit/veg. I tell you, what a difference in the way I feel today. Plan, do it now.

I've also been telling a few of the girls that since I got to goal, I've been going through an identity crisis. Weight loss changes so many aspects of our life, that we are almost different people. I really feel this way because I can't be a part of my old lifestyle and therefore drifted apart from friends I've had since leaving home. I've had to find new friends because I don't want to get fucked up and hang out at dingy bars anymore. But at the same time I feel like a fraud. The new squeaky clean Mary, who the hell is she?

Now I've got some issues. Might have to do a post about it later.

I hope planning helps you feel better and Al couldn't come home anytime sooner! It'll be good to have him back so you can take it a little easier. Big hugs sista {{{HUGS}}}.

8:29 AM  
Blogger M said...

That's it!! I am going to start sneak eating carrots. I'll pretend they are the latest design of orange coloured chocolate and I'll carry a bag with me whereever I go. Thanks Linda - I think you may just have saved me :D

I like your spin on not letting the label size rule you and more by the body shape itself. I was reading Caths blog and she mentions her body fat %. I had not even thought to get this done. I think it will be a real eye opener for me and show me where I can improve myself.

Only 4 sleeps to go. Here's to a better week for all of us :D

2:18 PM  
Blogger Briony said...

Sometimes we just have to give ourselves a break. Don't be too hard on yourself Linda, you're doing so well considering all the stuff that's going on in your life right now. Not long til Al gets back now. That will make things so much easier for you.
Take care of yourself, you deserve to be treated well, by everyone else AND yourself!

7:32 PM  
Blogger kathrynoh said...

Sounds like you have all the solutions there - the hard part sometimes is implementing them. You seem to going through some of the stuff I'm worried about when I get to goal - how do you stay motivated when you no longer have something to aim for.... I think we need to keep making goals for ourselves.

Good luck.

8:59 PM  
Blogger Anne said...

You summed up what so many of us go through from time to time. I do believe it will help you if you have a goal ahead to aim for.

You are also recognising what's going on in your head and I think that will give you the ability to cope with it and get back in track again. You have already made a start by planning your meals for the next week. Don't beat yourself up too much on the lapses - you will soon be in control again.

Take care:)

7:29 AM  
Blogger Dante's Revenge said...

Sometimes it's inherent in human beings to self-destruct. We all live in a Doomsday Parade for a reason. Life is just a systematic exploration of death. That's we discover mathematical equations, that's why we write symphonies, that's why we get puppies and that's why we choose to live on. We rise to every new waking moment...the heart's hard turning and the heart's slow learning. The rest is merely gossip, and tales for other times.

1:53 PM  

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