Frankenstein's bride

I am sitting here at 9pm looking like Frankenstein’s bride with all these electrode’s connected to my head. The sleep technician asked me about ½ hr ago when I would be ready for bed and was hugely surprised when I said in about 4 hrs - he then told me I would probably need to go to bed earlier than that tonight - well that would be good - I can spend even longer tossing and turning in bed !!!!! He said he would come and connect me up and then I could stay up in bed a little longer if I wanted (feel like a little kid who has been told I’ve been naughty and have to go to bed !!!) The techi just came in and connected another 10 electrodes to my arms, legs, waist, chest and neck - how the hell am I supposed to go to sleep like this ??????? Thank goodness Al isn’t here - what a turnoff it would be for him to see my like this. I phoned him just now to tell him that I am expected to go to sleep soon and he just laughed. It was funny when we arrived, the techi let us in and said “I used to work with you” to Al and I. I couldn’t really place him then he said “At Coles” and I realised why I couldn’t place him - he now has hair - he used to shave his head when he worked with us there.

I have been doing some thinking lately about my blog and whether or not I should continue with it. I started off because I found it really motivating for me to have - I felt that it was a forum I could use to keep me honest and I got a lot of inspiration from reading what other people where getting up to. I realised that I wasn’t the only one who ate in secret, that I wasn’t the only one who felt “woe is me” at times, that I wasn’t the only one who, when things got tough, turned to food - not because it made the tough times go away but because, for the moment, it made me feel better. I have realised that, getting to goal isn’t the end of the journey, it is the beginning of a life of learning how to maintain (well I haven’t mastered that yet but I am working on it).

Currently I don’t have the time to blog or to read other blogs - my choices are different to what they were last year. Last year was very much about me and what I wanted and I have learnt that I need to find a better balance between what I want and what my family needs. While I realise that I need “me” time in order to be a better wife, mother, friend - there has to be the correct balance and sitting in the computer room for hours at a time just isn’t the right balance. In my previous job, I could always make time to hop on and read a blog or two in the morning if I got to work early or during my lunch hour etc. As I now start work earlier, only get ½ hour for lunch (what’s that - we never take it anyway) and most blogs have been blocked by our IT dept - it isn’t as easy to stay in touch with what is going on in people’s lives as what it used to be. This doesn’t mean that I don’t think of many of you often or wonder what you have been getting up - sometimes I even get as far as an e-mail or a phone call when I can. But it has certainly meant that I am not as in touch as I used to be and that makes me sad because I have met the most amazing people through here. I am sure that some of the friendships will last for many years to come and while they aren’t ‘live in your pocket’ friends - they are certainly true friends in every sense of the word.

I guess what I am saying is that, while my journey is not finished yet, I don’t know if I will be as active in this forum as what I was in the past. I don’t know what it is that I need to do to keep me motivated and on track so that I can get to goal and if I find that not blogging is to my detriment, I will be back more frequently. In the meantime, I will not be posting as often as I would have liked because it doesn’t seem to be doing for me what it did last year. ( I don’t know if I am making sense with this - and if not, please just ignore the last bit). I guess it is the same as with everything else in life - you need to find what works for you and stick with it as long as it does. Once it stops working for you, you need to explore other avenues. What I do know is that I have come to far to toss it all in. We went and booked our tickets for overseas today - tentative at the moment, but booked none the less. I had thought that the Rugby World Cup was in July / August and couldn’t work out why we were having such difficulty getting flights in September / October - I had the wrong dates. RWC is in September / October and because we have booked to go to a European country - every man and his dog is wanting to get there as well. The travel agent is going to keep trying for a particular airline but at least our tickets are booked. With a bit of luck we will be able to arrange some timeshare accommodation which won’t cost an arm and a leg (although I am quite happy to give a teenage daughter away in exchange for 3 weeks accommodation).

Actually right now I am probably happy to give a teenage daughter away full stop - while she can be such an angel at times - she can also be a complete pain in the jack (much like most teenagers, I’m sure). I wish I could remember when I stopped thinking that the whole world revolved around me and took other people’s needs into consideration. I am just hanging out for Cairns this weekend although once there I will probably want the cooler weather of the Coast. The good thing is that I am 8kg’s lighter than I was a the beginning of the year and while I can’t say that I am happy with myself, I am certainly a lot happier than I was on 2 Jan when I jumped on the scales and though enough is enough. When I went to dinner with some girl friends the other week, the one said she was so glad I had put on weight as she had felt that I was far too thin the last time she had seen me. While I didn’t agree with her, it made me realise just how differently people see us to how we see ourselves. When I got married and weighed 45 kgs, I may have thought I was too thin - at 63kgs, I never ever thought I was too thin. And even now, I still don’t think I was too thin at that weight.

I have just got the nod to say I have to start thinking about going to sleep - jeez you pay $220 for the night and they think they can tell you when to get up, when to go to bed, when to go to sleep LOL - maybe they want more time to try to monitor me - well, fat lot of good it is going to do them - you can’t monitor someone’s sleep patterns if they are not sleeping !!!!!!

Will read for a while before switching the light off - actually just thought - I’ll update how tonight went before I post this as I won’t be doing the e-mail thing so will have to wait until I can actually get onto the computer at home - hope this isn’t too far out of date by the time that happens.

Take care everyone, be good and go safely !!

Update 21st March 07
Well I could just as well be in hospital - they woke me up at 5.30 after not having had too much sleep. After I finished the mail to you I didn’t get much done as I had to put my light out at 10pm - when I was typing this up I had 12 electrodes in my hair and on my face. Then he came in and put some on my legs, arm and neck - then I had a big strap around my waist, then another around my chest. I looked at him and asked him if I was supposed to sleep like this and he said yes !!!! Then he came back and put a breathing thing in my nose and a pulse monitor on my finger - and then told me to go to sleep !!!!!! Well, as you can imagine there was a lot of tossing and turning and not much sleeping happening - am not sure how they could work out anything from that. He came through twice during the night - once because the breathing thing had come out my nose and the second time because I was squashing the pulse thing on my finger and they were getting a wrong reading. Had to get up and get dressed by 6am and have just finished having breakfast - now waiting to see the dr and then will have to wait for Al and K to come and collect me and take me to work. I have to say that I REALLY don’t feel like going into work today - I could just go home and curl up on my bed.

It's official

I am back to dicking around !!!! BUGGER – I was supposed to be back ontrack and getting my act together. I have a million reasons (excuses???) about why I am doing what I am doing (or should that be notdoing what I should be doing) but it all boils down to not beingprepared, not being organised, not planning in advance what I need andwhat I am doing, and, this past week, a lack of exercise.

Over the past weekend I spent most of Saturday and Sunday up and downthe scaffolding while I was filling holes and painting the safeets onthe verandah. My legs, back and arms certainly knew that I had donesomething out of the ordinary. It landed up being a bit of a rush jobbecause the tiler said he could start and I had to get the paintingdone before he put the new pavers down otherwise I would have justjinxed myself into spilling paint on them once they were laid. He isdoing a fantastic job and while it is probably turning out to be alittle more expensive than we had originally thought – it willdefinitely be worth the money once it is finished. I will post somepics once it is all done.We have also got some rain water tanks. We weren't going to go withthe tanks but then Al decided that it would be the right thing to doso we landed up with 4 x 500l tanks – two at the back of the house andtwo down the side of the house. The two for the side of the house aretemporarily connected outside our bedroom as the stones from the frontyard are currently down the side of the house and there is only roomfor stones or tanks – not both. We have had some good rain lately andAl looked last night and the tanks closest to the bedroom are full.The tanks at the back of the house were only connected after so theyaren't as full and Al ran the hose from the full tanks to the emptytanks so that we could fill them and not lose any water as the temptanks have no overflow except out into the garden at this stage. Thetiler was very pleased as Al said he could use that water when cuttingthe tiles – actually I am very happy as that will mean less waterusage for us to pay for.My eating has been ordinary to say the least. Too many nights ofgetting home late from work, or working too long outside and thencoming inside and not being bothered to cook. I was also sillybecause I bought a packet of Cinnamon Crunch biscuits (I haven't hadthose in ages) on the understanding (yeah right) that I would onlyhave two at a time and only two per day. Not sure who I was trying tokid with that – there is no point in eating those if you don't eat atleast 4-6 in a sitting. Consequently, the packet didn't last morethan a couple of days. The good thing is that (for now) I will not bebuying anymore because I know that they are evil when they are in thecupboard !!!! Maybe I should use CKK's theory and break them all upbecause, as she very kindly reminded me, broken biscuits don't haveany calories in them !!!! We went to get some groceries last nightand Al was good enough to buy chocolate that I don't like so there isno chance of me eating any of it.I can't remember if I have mentioned this – our plans to Canada havefallen through due to some tragic change in circumstances for ourfriends in Canada. So we are now exploring the world to see whichcountry we will go to visit instead. We have a couple underconsideration – will let you know more when we are a little closer toknowing for sure.

Something else is official today – I am a little piggy !!!! I havestarted to eat in secret again and I HAVE TO STOP NOW !!!!! That ishow I put on so much weight in the first place. I went across toColes this afternoon and bought a mint flake which I ate on the wayback to school. As I was walking along I realised that on more andmore occasions I was eating in secret - when there was no-one aroundto see how much I ate. I think that a level of complacency has creptinto my life-style change – I have not been as diligent as I was atthe beginning of the year with regards to what I eat, how I track, howmuch exercise I do or how much water I drink. I need to make a mentaladjustment NOW to get back to where I was so that I can continue tolose weight – I DON"T want to go away on holiday looking like a little(big ?) porker. I have some time up my sleeve but not enough to dillydally around like I have been doing.

I will make these changes now – today – and tomorrow I will continueto do the best that I possibly can. While I know that I can be toohard on myself sometimes – I think this is the time when I just need agood kick in the jack so make me knuckle down and get on with what Ineed to do. It isn't as though it is rocket science – less caloriesin and more exercise done, will produce a leaner me – one who is happywith how I look and is proud to get up and get dressed in the morning.I am going to attempt to post this via e-mail – but it may not work inwhich case I don't know when anyone will read this because it is likea bun-fight to get onto the computer at home.

Have a great week everyone and take care !

TFTD : Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alonein the light.

TIAGF : The realisation that I am slipping back into old ways and theability to change my attitude

(This is the last time I try to blog via e-mail - something must have changed and until I find out what it is I'm not going to continue with this - it is ridiculous !!)

Hopefully this works !

The post below this one is one which I mailed last week. For some reason it didn't post and I have tried about 5 times to post it - I finally got it posted but it won't let me edit hence the many places where a 'space' has been taken out.

My weight this week stayed the same - I'm very happy about that as a dinner and two helpings of dessert on Friday night when I caught up with some girl friends after an absolute age didn't help my cause. Anyway, it was all good and the scales have since moved down a little which is the correct way for them to be moving,

Am off to pilates now - have a great Friday everyone and take care !

Not sure what is going on with this

My weigh-in this morning saw another loss this week (0.8kg) taking my total loss since 2 January to 6.8kgs with a total loss when I was at my heaviest to 12.3kgs. Got to be happy with that !

It was a sad day yesterday when I got a phone call to say that thetreadmill was due to be collected. Unfortunately, I had to wave a sadgood-bye to it as I just can't afford to keep it another 3 months. I was feeling rather glum as I knew that it was so much easier to go walking on that than to get out onto the road - at least there I couldhop on and off if required to do something for dinner or quickly sortthe washing out etc. Never mind, there can always be a next time. Iwas looking back through my eating and exercise plan for the week justgone - again I had more days of exercise than not which is what I amaiming for. And, my eating was definitely much better than theprevious week. While I was sitting doing nothing, I remembered that afriend of mine had given me a Walk Away the Pounds video - it was the3 mile programme so thought I would give that a try - a littlehesitant at first I have to say because I felt VERY strange doing thisin the middle of the lounge room. K was busy with her homework and Alwas on his wobble board so I put the video on and gave it a go. Idefinitely worked up a huge sweat and, 4.8kms and 45 mins later, Ifinished it. It felt really good and I felt great that I had got offmy butt and done something - especially as I only started it at 8.30and had to make sure I was showered and changed ready for work by9.40pm. While I think it would get a little boring after a while, Ihave a couple of other videos that my friend gave me so will see if Ican set up a machine in the spare room so that I don't have to do itin front of everyone plus I can go and do it if the others are busywatching something on TV that I don't want to watch. I'm not sure if
training after school until 5.30 or 6pm and then we have to dash her down to the APS Swimming Carnival. So a busy night ahead with not much time left for exercising - oh well, it won't be the end of the world and I'm not going to lose any sleep over it either !!!!

I'll continue to try to finish the week exercising more days than I don't. I went to the sleep clinic yesterday for the initial consultation and now have to keep a sleep diary until I go back for my sleep study in March. I am on the cancellation list so if a place becomes available sooner and I can make it i.e. not a night we are working because they will only call between 7.30-8.30pm hence the need to keep the sleep diary from now and not only the two weeks prior to my appointment. I really hope they are able to find out the problem and get something sorted out for me.

TFTD : Friendship is the bridge between lonely and loved. It stretches from the fog into sunshine, hopelessness into faith, between despair and joy.

TIAGF : My motivation which has been around since the beginning of the year.