Feeling out of control

This is a bit of a ranting entry so if you are looking for motivation or inspiration you will need to look on someone else’s blog.
For the past couple of days my eating has been out of control. I am not even going to go into what I have eaten suffice to say it has been self sabotage at it’s absolute best.
Right now I liken myself to a naughty child – I know that what I am doing is wrong because it does not help me to achieve what I want, but I do it anyway. I am constantly thinking about what I am going to eat next and, while I know that sometimes people will call that planning – with me it really isn’t about planning (which implies I am staying on track) because I am not tracking and am just eating for no apparent reason really.
I have a wish list and I am going to put some of them in here because maybe I will, at some point in time, be able to turn these wishes (or at least some of them listed) into reality.

I wish –
- I didn’t think about food so much
- I had enough money (and time) to belong to a gym and be able to tone my muscles
- my life didn’t revolve around my weight
- I didn’t let my scales dictate how I feel about myself
- I was more organized and planned my meals better or better still, had someone to plan and cook my meals for me
- I didn’t eat when I was bored or lonely
- I wasn’t so lazy and exercised more
- I had enough money so that I didn’t have to work – I could then do volunteer work and spend more time doing things for my family and myself
- I was more motivated to do things – right now it is all too hard

While I am happy with how I look at the moment, I know that it doesn’t take long to get onto the slippery slide that leads to those kilos piling back on again. I am still getting compliments, which is great for my morale, but they don’t do anything to stop me feeding my face. I did tell Al what I had eaten yesterday and he encouraged me not to throw it all in after the hard work that I have already done. I know that I can manage while he is gone but I would be a liar if I said I wasn’t scared at the prospect of having to stay in control while he is not around. There are a lot of things which my head knows but which my heart just doesn’t seem to want to take notice of and I need to try to find some way to be able to, once again, focus on what I want to achieve and what I am prepared to do to achieve it.

I started this post when I got to work this morning and my head was really in a crappy place. Since then I have had e-mails from some lovely people and I have been out to lunch. I set out to buy some chocolates to have for lunch because my Oxo sandwich just didn’t appeal to me. I got as far as the bakery around the corner and bought a choc chip pecan cookie. Then I went looking for what chocs I was going to buy – I landed up buying two sushi rolls because something a very good friend of mine said in her mail this morning kept on going around and around in my head “Don’t be too hard on yourself – just like you keep telling me about myself”. While it wasn’t exactly a ‘light-bulb’ moment, it did make me think about the Chill Pill comment K would make to me if she knew the conversation that was going on in my head. It did also make me realise that while I may like to control things around me – there are things which I just have to accept and move on. Four bad days do not put on 21 kilos – four bad days are not un-doable - four bad days don’t mean that I can’t put the brakes on now and stop this turning into a 5 or 6 or 7 day binge. Yes Al is going away again – do I want him to meet me at the airport looking worse than I look now ? Of course not. Do I want him to have to be embarrassed to introduce me to the people he is working with over there because I think I am too fat ? Of course not. Will that happen if I carry on the way I am going at moment ? Very good chance. So what can I do about it ? I need to get my head into the right place and move forward. What is eaten, is eaten and I can’t change that but I can change what I put in my mouth from now on. While I don’t expect it to be all plain sailing from here, I do know that if I can get my head in the right place, I will be better equipped to work through this hump in the journey.

It really is a mental issue because when I weighed myself this morning I was down another kilo. I can feel that in my new work pants because they are getting lower and lower on my hips – what I don’t understand is how I can feel so crappy when I feel so much slimmer today.

Take care everyone and hope you have a good day !