Thursday, November 03, 2005

Feeling out of control

This is a bit of a ranting entry so if you are looking for motivation or inspiration you will need to look on someone else’s blog.
For the past couple of days my eating has been out of control. I am not even going to go into what I have eaten suffice to say it has been self sabotage at it’s absolute best.
Right now I liken myself to a naughty child – I know that what I am doing is wrong because it does not help me to achieve what I want, but I do it anyway. I am constantly thinking about what I am going to eat next and, while I know that sometimes people will call that planning – with me it really isn’t about planning (which implies I am staying on track) because I am not tracking and am just eating for no apparent reason really.
I have a wish list and I am going to put some of them in here because maybe I will, at some point in time, be able to turn these wishes (or at least some of them listed) into reality.

I wish –
- I didn’t think about food so much
- I had enough money (and time) to belong to a gym and be able to tone my muscles
- my life didn’t revolve around my weight
- I didn’t let my scales dictate how I feel about myself
- I was more organized and planned my meals better or better still, had someone to plan and cook my meals for me
- I didn’t eat when I was bored or lonely
- I wasn’t so lazy and exercised more
- I had enough money so that I didn’t have to work – I could then do volunteer work and spend more time doing things for my family and myself
- I was more motivated to do things – right now it is all too hard

While I am happy with how I look at the moment, I know that it doesn’t take long to get onto the slippery slide that leads to those kilos piling back on again. I am still getting compliments, which is great for my morale, but they don’t do anything to stop me feeding my face. I did tell Al what I had eaten yesterday and he encouraged me not to throw it all in after the hard work that I have already done. I know that I can manage while he is gone but I would be a liar if I said I wasn’t scared at the prospect of having to stay in control while he is not around. There are a lot of things which my head knows but which my heart just doesn’t seem to want to take notice of and I need to try to find some way to be able to, once again, focus on what I want to achieve and what I am prepared to do to achieve it.

I started this post when I got to work this morning and my head was really in a crappy place. Since then I have had e-mails from some lovely people and I have been out to lunch. I set out to buy some chocolates to have for lunch because my Oxo sandwich just didn’t appeal to me. I got as far as the bakery around the corner and bought a choc chip pecan cookie. Then I went looking for what chocs I was going to buy – I landed up buying two sushi rolls because something a very good friend of mine said in her mail this morning kept on going around and around in my head “Don’t be too hard on yourself – just like you keep telling me about myself”. While it wasn’t exactly a ‘light-bulb’ moment, it did make me think about the Chill Pill comment K would make to me if she knew the conversation that was going on in my head. It did also make me realise that while I may like to control things around me – there are things which I just have to accept and move on. Four bad days do not put on 21 kilos – four bad days are not un-doable - four bad days don’t mean that I can’t put the brakes on now and stop this turning into a 5 or 6 or 7 day binge. Yes Al is going away again – do I want him to meet me at the airport looking worse than I look now ? Of course not. Do I want him to have to be embarrassed to introduce me to the people he is working with over there because I think I am too fat ? Of course not. Will that happen if I carry on the way I am going at moment ? Very good chance. So what can I do about it ? I need to get my head into the right place and move forward. What is eaten, is eaten and I can’t change that but I can change what I put in my mouth from now on. While I don’t expect it to be all plain sailing from here, I do know that if I can get my head in the right place, I will be better equipped to work through this hump in the journey.

It really is a mental issue because when I weighed myself this morning I was down another kilo. I can feel that in my new work pants because they are getting lower and lower on my hips – what I don’t understand is how I can feel so crappy when I feel so much slimmer today.

Take care everyone and hope you have a good day !


Blogger Yummy Mummy said...

With everything that goes on in our lives, we will have days like you are having... You have done an amazing job getting to goal and you will maintain your weight... you want to and you are only having a "moment"... tomorrow is another day..

2:19 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

Argh, I hate feeling like that. Please don't forget how amazing you are, and how amazingly strong you are - after all, you got to goal!!!!
Chin up, and hope you feel better very very soon!

10:53 PM  
Blogger Mary said...

Hi Linda, *slap*, did that get you out of it? :-) Maybe it's time to find a new focus, hobby, activity or even do a short time management course at a community college? That's what I've been doing so I am now blogging less and re-working the hours in my day. Just an idea.
I know that once I got to goal, I felt a little lost because I had been focusing so hard on weight loss for the past 6 months. You just need to find something else that will be good for you to focus on now that weight loss isn't it.

You'll be alright hon. Obviously with Al going away again too, it's messing with you. Just remember how far you have come and you will continue to maintain and it will become second nature!

You're an amazing person Linda and I hope you can get yourself out of this rut soon enough. I know you will. Don't be afraid!!

9:12 AM  
Blogger M said...

Blogger stuffed me up yesterday so was not able to leave a comment.

I think Mary has some very sound advice. With all the focus on weight loss, and the blogs, and with Al's trips you have a void that needs to be filled. I know you don't want to take up with a toy boy so perhaps something else that fills your heart, as well as your mind will be the way to go.

Don't ever worry about what you write about too. The fact that you write shows that you are learning to vent it here and not internalise, which is a lot more dangerous.

Be good to yourself, and know that a lot of the times my TIAGF includes you. *hugs*

12:09 PM  
Blogger michelle said...

Oh Linda, we could all direct you to the posst you have made on our blogs when we have been having our down times. Stop beating yourself up because the guilt just makes you feel worse. You are right you are not going to put all the weight back on because you are naughty for a few days. Go back and look at your ol dphotos to remind yourself how far you hav won't goback there. I think Mary is right about you looking for new interests. It seems everyone at goal has this problem of losing a focus that has played a big part in their life. I agreed with most o fyour wish list Linda an dyou know what soem of those things you wished for are in your control.

1:44 PM  
Blogger Slim Suzy said...

I hope you are feeling much better today. You are right - four days of bad eating does not spell the end of all your achievements. You have done wonders. You look wonderful and you should be so proud of all you have done. Please take each day as it comes and don't look forward to Al leaving, look forward to your reunion and your trip. Take care and try to be happy. xx

4:26 PM  
Blogger Kt said...

hope you are feeling better & having a great wknd. a few bad days will not do much damage - go easy on yourself, you'll soon be back into it

10:32 AM  
Blogger Thinner Nancy said...

My wish list would be pretty much exaclty the same!
I hope things are looking a bit more positive today.
Al sounds like a wonderful supportive person - no wonder you miss him so much when he is gone


2:22 PM  
Blogger Philippa said...

Hi Linda

I hope you're feeling better. You're such an amazing, inspiring person and you've achieved so much. Four days of bingeing won't undo all your hard work. Just forget about it and move on.

I think Mary has some excellent advice - maybe you need to refocus, get some new interests to occupy yourself.

I think you're so incredibly brave and strong with Al being gone, and sometimes the old habits come back to haunt us when we're down. Don't be too hard on yourself.
You've made this great change in your life so that you can enjoy life more. Remember that!

I hope you have a great week ahead :)

9:05 PM  
Blogger Paulene's Journal Journey said...

I love the line....4 bad days do not put back on 21kgs
So true!!! yet it's easy to feel that it could when you feel off track and out of control.
And I'm sure Al would never be embarressed to introduce you to people...not even if you weighed 150kg!

Cheers P

3:47 PM  

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