Now breathing

Thanks NJ - you were right - I did need to take a moment to breathe !!!! Thanks also to M and Mary for their positive comments and nudges in the right direction. The spack attack from yesterday is mostly over - I realise that while I am not totally useless or a total failure, I am not in the place that I would like to be in right now and guess what - it is my own fault. Now, not to beat myself up over that, I am going to start making some positive changes.
Last night I got home in time to see about 20 minutes of Oprah's The Secret and I phoned this morning to place an order for the book which I will be collecting on my way home. While I don't think this will suddenly make all my problems go away, I do believe it will help me deal with them in a positive manner and I can get things moving in the right direction, something which has been sadly lacking in most areas of my life for a while now. I loved what the lady said last night about placing an order for your life - when you go into a restaurant and place an order, you expect to receive what you ordered - how come we look at life differently ? When we invite all the negativity into our lives, we really shouldn't complain when it turns up because that is what we asked for. I know that this isn't a new concept - it isn't even a new concept for me - it is something I have known for a long long time - the difference now is that I am choosing to do something positive about it - I am going to make those positive changes. I am going to do what I have to to remember to keep the positive affirmations happening - what normally happens with me is I say them once or twice and then forget about them. I will keep writing things down until I don't need to see them to remember them and that way I will start to live a more positive life and bring into my life the wonderful things I deserve like a loving family, security, happiness and stability.
I have been dicking around at work today - really not wanting to go and see the CM about the FBT as this morning she mailed me an old FBT manual and then came in and told me that the rates were wrong but if I read it I would get the gist of what had to be done. News flash - I have the current FBT manual which I have been using but when you look at last years figures and cannot trace them back to anything, how do I know where to find those same figures this year ?????? I will deal with this this afternoon and I will not let myself go home to stew over these same issues for another night.
As I said, I am off to get The Secret this afternoon after work (not sure when I will find the $35 from but seeing as I am placing my order for the book out there, I have faith that the money will come from somewhere in time to pay the credit card bill when it arrives), then I am off to pilates and then home to chores before going to work. Maybe I can try to fit in a soak in the bath with my new book between all of the above.
Now, I had better be off and tackle this FBT - being an ostrich about it is not going to help when I have to send the return off on Monday !! Thanks again for your support - it truly means so much to me because this is one place where I can be honest about how I am feeling and what is happening and know that people will understand where I am coming from.