TGIF !

All I can say is thank goodness it is Friday - I don't think I would have coped with another day in the working week !!! It has been a hectic two weeks while I have had one staff member off for two weeks after she had a mis-carriage. Not an easy situation for anyone and my heart certainly goes out to her - but it has made it that much more difficult for me to get my job completed before we leave. I have been working long hours and I don't expect that will change in the next couple of weeks.

WARNING : Long winded post getting things off my chest !!!!!

This is probably going to be a little disjointed - but here goes. Over the past couple of weeks I have realised just how much I have missed blogging. The friends I made when I first started blogging are great people - some I have been in contact with more often than others - I guess a bit like my own 'real world' friends. But, I have also realised that I don't have as much time to spend on the computer as I used to. The thing I have missed most about blogging is getting down on paper how I feel, what is going on, how I am progressing, working out what is wrong or irritating me - I guess it is a lot of airy fairy stuff. I don't really know how to explain it but it is almost therapeutic when I sit down and type. Sometimes I just need to put something on paper in order for me to make a decision or see the solution.

I have been really battling my weight since the middle of last year. A's operation was the catalyst for me to say "Hey, you are having such a rough time - have another coke and chocolate - that will make you feel better" and it did - while I was eating it. But then I felt even worse as the kilos started to pile on. I have a million and one excuses for why I ate the way I did - couldn't leave him to get dinner because he had spent nearly all day by himself already so would pop down to the snack machine - had to get a sugar fix to keep my awake on the hour drive home at 1am each night - couldn't get through the morning because I was so tired without another sugar fix - and a million more I won't bore you with. The bottom line was they were all excuses for me not having to take responsibility for what I put into my mouth - it wasn't my fault I had to deal with all of this - was it ??????? No, it wasn't my fault that A broke his leg 20 years ago and had to have it re-broken and a frame put on his leg, it wasn't my fault he had to be in hospital in Brisbane when we lived on the Gold Coast, it wasn't my fault that there were no healthy food shops close to the hospital for me to buy dinner from but it was my fault that I continued to behave in a way which was detrimental to my health. It was my fault that I chose, night after night, to have a bottle of coke and a big crunchie chocolate for dinner and 1am snack and not take a healthy food option with me. It was my fault that I chose to keep packets of sweets and biscuits in my drawer to get me through the day rather than taking healthy food to work to eat during the day.

As most of you will probably remember the situation with A didn't finish when he came out of hospital - he landed up back in hospital for 10 days with infections at pin sites which would clear up so more travelling and more crappy eating. Then he got home and we had the whole thing of trying to get him sorted eat day before going to work. Then it was the over adjustment which had to be corrected and him wanting to take the frame off himself because it was so sore. And then of course Christmas arrived and who worries about trying to lose weight when it is Christmas ? Well I have in the past but certainly not last year !!!!

2007 saw me take up the Weight Loss Challenge and lose 8kgs in 10 weeks - I was aiming for 5 so was extremely happy with 8kgs. Unfortunately, the 8kg loss was short lived and it didn't take too long to put on 6.8 of those kilos. And that was where I hovered - week in and week out, knowing that our holiday was getting closer and knowing that I wasn't doing a single thing to lose any weight. All the while feeling so disappointed with myself for (a) putting on so much weight after having maintained for just under a year and (b) not having the motivation to do anything about it. I kept on telling myself - tomorrow, next week, after this event or that event instead of saying "From now" and getting on with it. It is too late now to look back and cry because I left it too late. All I can do is look back and say "Thank goodness I did something about it 4 weeks ago. Now I am 4.4kgs lighter than I was and I have the opportunity to lose a few more kilos before we go". When we get back - I have the opportunity to continue to lose these excess kilos for some special functions coming up and I can walk tall knowing that I am doing the best that I can for my body and for my life.

I want to start blogging more regularly because I know that this is a tool which really works for me - it helps to keep me honest because that is something that I have always been through this medium - honest about what I have eaten and what I have (or haven't) done. I have been walking quite a lot lately - the other night I have a really hard walk and paid a very dear price for two days afterwards - I could hardly walk with lots of pain in my knees for two days after my walk. Note to self - if you are going to walk that hard - walk on the grass !!!! I did not walk tonight - once again the weather is miserable. But more than that - I am tired. Totally and utterly tired, and exhausted, and weary - so much so I was falling asleep at 6.15 on the beanbag. That was when I thought - hey, I could be blogging so got up and came through to the computer. I guess, like anything else, you just need to get back into the habit of doing something - this time I am not going to let it take over my life !!!! I have to get the balance right. It seems to me that I haven't managed to get this balance correct (or maybe I should say I haven't quite got it right in my life) lately - work, food, exercise, socialising, chores - so that one is not achieved at the expense of another. That will be my plan for the next couple of days - work out what I need to change to see the changes I want to occur in my life.

On that note I am going to take myself off to the lounge and spend an hour watching the second half of Friday night footy with my bestest husband before heading off to my nicely warmed bed. Tomorrow we will be spending the day at Griffith University finding out what is going to be happening with the academy that K will be attending next year (and hopefully finding out answers to the questions we have w.r.t. whether we are making the right decision in letting her go there). Tomorrow night will be a quiet night in for us and then Sunday it is off to softball again. With a bit of luck the game will be cancelled due to the lousy weather we have had and them not wanting to have the grounds messed up. If that happens then we can stay at home and I can maybe give the garage door another coat of paint (I think it needs another one A doesn't agree), finish painting the outside walls and then get the rest of the outdoor furniture sanded down, ready to be oiled. There will be no usual Saturday morning muffin until next week when I have stopped Lite 'n Easy but that isn't the end of the world - a small price to pay if it means that I can drop a little more weight before we go.

I hope you have a fantastic weekend - take care and look after yourselves !