Where to start ?

I can't remember when last I posted and I have no idea what it was
about. And, seeing as I can't access blogger from work, I can't even
check !!! So will just bring you up to date (abbreviated version) of
what we have been up to for the past couple of weeks.

Firstly, thank you to all those wonderful people who have sent
messages, e-mails, SMS's and telephone calls – your support has been
fantastic. There are some people whom I haven't had a chance to reply
to as yet but I will get around to you as soon as I can.

Al has been in hospital – twice !!! Once for the operation and then
again for an infection in two pin sites. Unfortunately I was very
lazy while he was there and did nothing to help my cause – Crunchies
and full strength Cokes were my standard meals while visiting at the
hospital. Yes I could have stopped off somewhere and got something
more substantial and definitely more healthy but who could be bothered
at 10.30 – 11at night. I probably also could have made myself
something to eat when I got home, but again, who could be bothered ?
All things considered, Al's leg is doing well – he is hoping to have
the frame off in about 10 weeks time.

Needless to say I have been growing by the day (and I can't even blame
it on being pregnant !!!! At least that had better NOT be the reason
for me growing by the day !!!) – I have now put on just over 10kgs in
the past 3 months – this is not the way it is supposed to happen.
What is supposed to happen is that I lost the weight – got to the
weight that I am happy at and I am supposed to stay there. I realise
that to actually stay at that weight I have to watch what I eat and
seeing as I haven't been doing that I probably can't complain about
the gains I have been having but seriously – why is it so hard ?????
I know that one of the reasons is that I haven't been exercising – I
did look into hiring a treadmill (and I think that I may still do
that) but until now I just haven't got around to it. Thank goodness
my two night fill managers at Coles have been so understanding – I am
due back there now next week. I am just absolutely exhausted – while
I have been tired in the past, I have never felt as I have done the
past couple of weeks – I wouldn't wish this on anyone. One of the
problems is that even though I am so tired, I am battling to sleep.
Some sleeping tablets have helped with that but I still don't wake up
feeling like I have had a good nights sleep – I'm not all woolly
headed like can happen with sleeping tablets sometimes, I just don't
feel rested.

We have the new computer at home and I moved it all into the room and
Al has been setting it all up – I was going to post last night but
then got caught helping with something else and didn't get back onto
the computer before going to bed. It is very nice and so much quicker
than the old one – plus we now have a scanner which is great for
sending photos to friends when we have actual photos and not digital
photos !

Unfortunately the lady who used to clean for us 2 hrs per week has
gone back to a full time job and so isn't able to clean anymore – just
what I needed now - NOT !!! But we have decided that if people want
to worry about how clean our home is when they come to visit – they
are more than welcome to pick up a duster and do it themselves or
alternatively come back another time when I have had a chance to clean
!!!! That is one of the things on the "To Do" list this weekend. The
past weekend was spent at the hospital the whole time except for
Saturday morning when K and I went and had donuts at the Mudgeeraba
markets – and we bought some fruit and veg as well. They had bananas
for $7/kg and they were absolutely beautiful – I think we may have to
go back in 2 weeks time to get more bananas (and of course if we are
there we can't possibly not get donuts as well !!!!). The weekend
before it felt like I spent the whole two days with my bum in the
drivers seat – playing Mom's Taxi for K and Wife's Runaround for Al
!!!!!!

I also have a hair cut booked for this weekend – I think I am going to
go back to short hair. Right now my hair is just making me feel even
more yuck about myself – I think I am too old for long, straight hair
and that it doesn't do anything for me. I may have changed my mind by
Saturday but I doubt it.

A few weeks ago I watched a programme called Shock Docs on Super Binge
Eating – I'm sure that there are many people who saw the show. I was
absolutely amazed at the size of the people they were following – they
ranged in size from 260kg to 320kgs. The smallest guy had actually
weighed 448kgs at his heaviest and he lost 341kgs to get down to
107kgs. He then had an operation to cut away the excess skin and went
down to 89kgs. At this point his dr told him to stop losing weight
but, like me, he was unable to maintain his weight and is now weighing
in at 260kgs. He said that if he puts on another 10kgs, he will be
bed bound. The other two people were bed bound. The heaviest chap
was actually in an obesity hospital – where they provided him with the
correct food every day. But, when they brought something he didn't
like, he proceeded to phone for take away – which was delivered to him
in the obesity hospital !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! His wife actually said that
she would often bring him food because it wasn't good for him to get
stressed over the food that was provided if he didn't want to eat it.
This got me to thinking about my situation – while I am not in the
same situation as they are and really only have 10kgs to lose to feel
like a million dollars (well maybe not a million dollars but certainly
able to look at myself in the mirror without feeling ashamed and
wondering how I let myself get this big again) like them I have a
compulsion to eat, even though I know that what I am eating isn't good
for me. Sitting down to a packet of biscuits is not conducive to
losing weight, nor is having chocolates instead of dinner. While I
realise that the last few weeks have been extremely trying and tiring,
Al is at home now and while it isn't all plain sailing and easy going,
it is certainly a lot easier than having to travel to Brisbane for 6-7
hours each night.

Having watched that programme, I don't know if it has been a help or a
hindrance – there have been times when I am buying something to eat or
actually eating chocolates or biscuits or nuts or chips and I have
thought to myself – well it isn't as though I am as big as they are.
I have realised that that really is a dumb way to look at things
because there are enough people at the other end of the spectrum who I
could use for motivation to lose weight – the sad thing is that while
I know that what I am doing isn't helping me, I am unable to stop. I
am eating thinking "I know this isn't right but I'm going to eat it
anyway" – what is with that. It is almost like I want to self
destruct – is that because I feel that this is all getting too much
for me ? Is it because I have just had enough of all this nonsense ?
Or is it just because it is the easy way out – convenience foods which
don't take up any of my time. Since Al has been home this week we
have had meat / chicken and veggies very night (those nice veggies I
bought from the market) but that is only one meal of the day – the
rest of the day my eating is just cr*p.

I need to get my head into the right place and I need to do it SOON !!
I cannot continue like this – I am very unhappy with myself, I hate
the way I look and I can't stand to get out of the shower and see my
reflection in the mirror. I feel so sad when I think back to how I
used to not mind seeing my reflection – in the mirror or the shop
windows. I know that I am responsible for what has happened and I am
certainly not looking to blame anyone else except myself – there was
nobody standing over me with a gun forcing me to eat something I
didn't choose myself.

On to something nice – this week I bought a 4 slice sandwich press on
e-bay ($51 including postage - they retail for about $90 - $100) and I
can't wait to get it so that we can start to make toasted sandwiches,
wraps etc. I love them but NEVER make them because we have an old
fashioned snackwich machine and I absolutely hate cleaning it – it
drives me nuts !!! So am very excited about getting the other machine
– I'm sure that it will be put to good use once it is received !

Hopefully I will be able to blog a little more frequently because that
is one tool which does help me – the support of everyone here is just
fantastic and it certainly helps.

I hope that everyone is tracking along where they would like to be –
take care and look after yourselves !

TFTD : Savour the moments that are warm and special and giggly

TIAGF : The success of Al's operation