Thursday, September 22, 2005

17 sleeps to go !!

(Not that we are counting !!!) When we discussed Al going for 6 weeks this time I thought, Yip, I can do that – it’s only 1 ½ weeks longer than the last time – no problem !!! Well, I am not as okay with it as I thought I would be - I really miss him so much and even though we talk every day and sometimes twice a day, it isn’t the same. I know that there are only two grand finals we can watch and then he is home the following Sunday but it seems like forever away. I am trying to think about the bigger picture of why agreed it would be good for him to take this contract in the first place, but sometimes it isn’t that easy. I seem to be constantly exhausted – I am sure that when K is back at school things will settle down a bit. At the moment she goes to PCYC down at Broadbeach so it is an hour round trip in the morning and then the same in the afternoon so I feel like I am playing catch up all the time because I am running so behind with everything else.
I went to weigh on Monday night and lost 0.5kg which I was okay with - the trouble is that I am not eating the extra points, and, if truth be told, I am not eating my normal 20 points per day either. I still had 18 points left after dinner on Monday night. I am supposed to be having an extra 5 points a day - but with only 14 sugar points how on earth am I supposed to eat so much food ? I don’t see the point in eating for the sake of eating and if I am not hungry what am I supposed to do ?
I know that there is a part of me that is scared, actually I’m not scared, I am bloody terrified of putting on all this weight again. I have lost it more times that I care to think about and I don’t want to have to do this all over again another time.
I have had a rough couple of days and, 6 months ago, I would have put on, I don’t know maybe 2-3kgs in the past week, because I would have been stuffing my face with whatever sweet things I could lay my hands on - now I am too scared to have anything sweet because once I start I don’t know if I would be able to stop and I don’t want to undo the hard work I have put in to get where I am today. I did have a Boost bar on Monday night - for lots of reasons - while I did enjoy it, afterwards I realised that I had eaten for the wrong reasons – I was upset and I was angry and I fed my face !!!! I am not going to beat myself up over a chocolate and am happy with the fact that it didn’t turn into a binge but the thought is still there that it could very easily have turned into one. I also landed up having a Twirl yesterday – in the end I had to go and buy a chocolate because I was sitting at my desk and I could hardly get any work done for thinking about what I could eat. While I thought that it was only 3.5 points when I got the wrapper and worked it out it was 5 points – more than I wanted to use but too late because by that stage it had already been eaten.
I know that there has to be a happy medium somewhere along this journey, maybe right now isn’t a good time for me to be trying to maintain - maybe I need to wait for Al to get home and for life to revert to some sort of normalcy before I worry about maintaining - does that make sense to anyone ? Or should it be easier with him not here ?
Once again, I think it is my accountability in this forum, and the fact that I have just bought a whole bunch of clothes that I don’t want to not fit into, that has kept me on the straight and narrow and for that here is a big THANK YOU !!! Nobody said that this journey would be easy but I have to say that I hope it does get easier because right now it just seems all too hard.
I have had no water this week – I just can’t stomach the thought of it. I don’t even want to think of how much DP I have consumed. My veggie consumption has been dismal (apart from the veggies I had when I went out to friends the other night), my exercise (apart from pilates) has been non-existent but my fruit consumption has been good so I suppose I should be happy about that.
Sorry about the whinge today – but that is where I am at the moment. If I only posted when everything was going right, it wouldn’t be a true reflection of what is happening on my journey.
Take care everyone, be good and enjoy your day !

TFTD : Courage is like love, it must have hope to nourish it.

TIAGF : Another lovely spring day


Blogger Emily said...

Sorry to hear you're having a bit of a rough time. You're allowed to whinge!

Maintenance IS hard. As you said, you're scared of gaining weight again, and are battling to set a new routine that will see you right for the rest of your life.

I had a couple of weeks where I struggled with the Sugar Points as well - it seems unfair that you're allowed 35 extra points a week, but can't spend them on chocolate or wine!

One of the maintenance books has some good pointers on increasing your intake (can't remember which week, sorry); its along the lines of increasing your portion sizes, having more snacks, adding things you've previously skimped on (cheese, avocade, olive oil etc) and the occassional take-out.

It sucks for you right now, and I'm sure your emotions are elevated cos you're missing your man, but it will come right and you'll feel better about it eventually. Meanwhile, just take it one day at a time, one meal at a time, and you'll get there!

9:56 AM  
Blogger Paulene's Journal Journey said...

Hey babe .... it sounds like you are having a rough time of it :(

I cannot even imagine how I would cope so long without my simon??

I think you are doing FANTASTIC and I guess it's only natural during maintenance to fear gaining weight back (I guess because I've never even come close to goal!!)

I'm sure your eating will even out to normal when your stress is under control. You also sound tired and I know what that did to me last week so be sure and catch up on some sleep over the weekend ok?? Nurses orders!!!! *wink*


Cheers P

1:04 PM  
Blogger michelle said...

This was not a whinge Linda. It was just honesty. The key overriding factor here is that you are missing Al. That has a definite end coming up so you will be fine. Just think how you have succeeded so much with him away this year. You have done this and he must be so proud of you. Hey if you have to have a choc bar every now and then so be it. So if you gain 1kg so be it. Once you see him again you will be so motivated again you will get it back off. Those new clothes will keep you more honest than the scales. It took a long time to put that weight on and who says what the deadline is for having it all off. This is your journey and it will always involve ups and downs. You now recognise the downs and know how to deal with them. You didn't go off into a binge and even if you did you would get straight back on track. Read Emilys last few posts on her blog again and then do the same thing for yourself. List all the changes YOU have made to your life and celebrate your success. You deserve it. ANd get some rest sweetie. It is hard being a singl emum. Find some Me time and curl up with a good book.

1:29 PM  
Blogger Kate said...

I agree, you have to come on here and be honest, even if you are having a bad day - otherwise I think you are cheating yourself out of a lot of support and understanding. Not only from others, but from yourself as well.
I've heard it said many times that maintenance is harder than losing - and it appears to be true huh?!!
You are doing great! 17 sleeps will be gone soon, and then he will be home!

2:11 PM  
Blogger Slim Suzy said...

You WILL be OK Linda. You have done so well and you are doing so well. Al will soon be home and you will feel much better. Just take each day as it comes and keep up the wonderful work. You won't put the weight back on. You are not whinging. We are here for you and we understand it is not easy but you have done all the hard work and now you should just try and enjoy your success.

3:46 PM  
Blogger Mary said... you've got some boob to spare, if only!

Gosh, the support above is AMAZING!!

I can't wait for Al to be home too for you. I agree with the more points thing, how the hell? After eating the way we have for so long, how do basically eat another meals worth. I guess that's the point of maintenance, to try ease back into it. I never counted sugar points though. Do you like cheese?? That sure boosts points.

Now for the scared thinking, you are NOT going to put the weight back on. Just make sure you keep active and I reckon you will be fine. Oh yeah, and CHUCK OUT YOUR FAT CLOTHES. You're never gonna need them and then this will force you to think twice about the next choc too. What do you reckon?

You'll be alright babe. I know you will. It's just real hard when your best friend is so far away. Sometimes that physical hug is something you really need more so than anything, to let you know things are okay. You'll get your loving real soon {{{HUGS}}}.

5:49 PM  
Blogger Kiwi Gals Rock said...

I agree - chuck out the fat clothes, you won't put it back on this time,trust in yourself and you will be fine you have achieved so much so far and I'm confident you will find your way once things get back to normal for you. Rough times are very testing in every aspect without the added pressure of worrying about weight maintenance so the 'one day at a time' approach is always a good method for dealing with these situations..... and afterall you only have 17 more sleeps until you get your fabulous number one supporter back! Take care

6:38 PM  
Blogger Briony said...

Rough times are why we are here for you, so let it out, none of us will judge you for a slip up. A couple of chocolates won't hurt you that much, you'll never go back to your old eating habits.
Keep your chin up.
Try and have a good week, take care,

8:43 PM  
Blogger Philippa said...

Hi Linda

Sorry to hear you're feeling down. I can't imagine what I'd be like without David for weeks at a time. You're being so incredibly strong and brave.

I think Emily had some great advice - just take it one day, one meal at a time and you'll get there. Try and be gentle with yourself, after all, you've achieved so much, and you should be so proud.

Thank you for commenting on my blog the other day, and for your kind words. It really means a lot. We're lucky to have all these lovely people to support us, aren't we?

Take care of yourself, look forward to reading your next post

xox Philippa

10:49 PM  
Blogger kathrynoh said...

Time to take yourself shopping for some raunchy, hootchie-mama lingerie I think. It will make you feel better and be a great homecoming pressie for Al ;)

10:04 AM  
Blogger Rose said...

What you are feeling right now is absolutely understandable.
Your sweetie will be back soon.
What you do right now counts. Dont worry about the chocolate, we are all human.
Be good to yourself.
Sending you be cyber {{hugs}}.

11:50 AM  
Blogger M said...

Hey Linda. I am so sorry that you have been so sad lately. When the person you love is not with you it kind of feels like you aren't all there and it is very hard to function when you are not a whole person. That being said, you are still doing amazingly well by acknowledging that you are not following this perfectly. That you have cravings, and emotions, and reactions.

You also acknowledge the very real fear of undoing all your hard work. The fact that you do acknowledge it and do not hide the fact that you have had one or two chocolates shows that you are not starting the spiral into secret eating.

You WILL NOT put the weight back on because you feel happier now. Healthier now. Sexier now. Stronger now. You can do this Linda. If you can do it with Al away imagine the ease when he is here.

Big hugs to you.

6:29 PM  

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